Saturday, March 3, 2012

So much to say, so little coming out.

I’ve been having a hard time putting my thoughts into words as of late. As an actor, I often find myself speaking other people’s words. Because of this I unintentionally have moments where I mimic the way my favorite author's write. There are seasons in my life where I can't come up with something of my own, because I am so in sync with another's words, I can't seem to express my own journey without their coloring my images. Perhaps that’s why I have an obsession with quotes—why say something worth quoting, when I can find another person’s words that better fit what I want to express?

But for someone who considers herself an artist, a storyteller, and sometimes a writer….it’s frustrating to feel like I can’t articulate all that’s buzzing through my brain.

I wrote once last month. Just once. Granted, I know I don’t normally write that often and that my voice and story isn’t necessarily impacting the masses…but only once? I’m disappointed that I didn’t take the time or make the effort to share myself. To share my head and heart. Because it’s so full…full of joy, full of sorrow—Full of life!

I want to share with you who I am. I want to make you smile. I want to create an atmosphere of understanding and trust. Where people can simply breathe and not sit in anticipation of the judgment that might pass.

I want to do so much in my lifetime. Part of me wants it to begin with my own words, but here I am…struggling to get past the wall that I have built around myself.

Oh God, I am broken.

Is there strength in silence?

Is discretion important?

When does life begin? Or has it already?

Why has God given me this path and not another?

Who am I?

Are my words important?

How can I help people?

When is it my turn?

 I have so much to offer the world, and yet there are days that I feel so frazzled…I don’t even know where to begin.

So I write my thoughts down, and hope that I will find peace in each breath. 
I pray for happiness to make me sweet, trials to make me strong, sorrow to keep me human, and enough hope to make me smile.
Until all is clear, it’s in His hands.