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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

What I learned in 2011: Let Go, Let God


The clock at the church across from my window struck midnight.

Silence.

I watched my phone in sweet anticipation, longing to hear his voice. Expecting to hear my favorite three words from the boy I was so sure I would someday be married to.

Silence.

I couldn’t contain myself! Where was he? Didn’t he know the tradition of New Years? If I couldn’t be with him, I had hoped he would at least want to call and tell me he loved me!

My phone sat sleepily on my bed, exhausted from the anticipation I had built up for it.  

Silence.

Three weeks later, I was single.

Scratch that. Three weeks later, my whole life fell a part.

One of my favorite Buddhist sayings is ‘Let Go—Attachment is suffering.’

Last year I had fabricated intricate plans for what I believed I wanted my life to be. I had decided that if I wanted to be happy, I would have to give up my dream as an actress and put all my energy into helping him pursue his dreams. I had fallen in love with my best friend, and while I knew it seemed sudden, his presence in my life was more thrilling and rejuvenating than the cut-throat world of a theatre conservatory. So, I gave up who I had been for years, I gave up my strength in our Lord and in my talent to be with him.

He made me into something I was not, and I let him.

And then he broke my heart.

At first, I didn’t know what to do. I would lie in my bed weeping for hours, a recording of the rosary playing softly to keep my soul at rest. My roommates brought me donuts, my friends made me go out with them, my parents called each day to make sure I was alright…but I couldn’t let go of the fact that everything I was willing to give up, wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.

Fast forward through eleven months of ups and downs, and what an absolutely beautiful blessing that heartbreak has been! Yes, it’s still painful to think I’ve been deleted from the life of the man that I once loved…but it has taught me to recognize that I must trust in His plan, and not my own.

See, this year I learned that my plan is flawed.

I’ll come clean, I have an issue with control. I like being in it! And prior to this heartache, prior to my life shattering into little pieces…I had been able to skirt by without truly looking to our Lord for support. I had a boyfriend that would love me, parents that would take care of me and friends that were there to make me laugh. And that felt like enough.

I could hold on tight to my plan, and proclaim and that it was all in the name of my Divine love.

But when the façade came crashing down on me, it became apparent that what I had been craving from the start was a different kind of solace. A different kind of love and romance.

That of the Kings of kings.

I’m human. I know that I’ll still spend my life craving the feeling of having a handle on my life. That feeling that leaves me responsible for what’s going to happen. But the truth is, no matter how much I desire control…the only thing my clinging to 'being in control' has done is smother everything that was going well without my prodding!

When we detach from what we, in our brokenness as humans, think is ‘best’ for ourselves and reattach to what God knows is perfect for us…we find that our strength is renewed in Him and our souls are free to soar.

This year was about letting go of what society told me I should need (namely, a boyfriend) and asserting what I knew I truly craved: Our Lord.

I can finally say, with joy on my fingertips, God made it a point to shut the door on that relationship. He knew I had a lot of growing left to do…and that there was someone better out there for me. Who ever he may be, I’ll keep praying for him…but this time, I won’t push or chase…I’ll simply let go, and let God.

Give the wheel to God, ladies. His plan for us is more deep and rich than any of us can comprehend. What a blessing.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. Amazing! I loved reading this, it's so encouraging. I have also very much learned about being controlling this year. So thankful for that, cause I haven't been such a fun person to be around when I'm like that. Thanks for sharing, it was beautifully written. God bless! :)

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