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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

A Resolute Resolution: Take 22.

So, if you didn’t know, the world will be ending this upcoming year [2012, RUN!]. Because of this shocking revelation, I have decided to write a little something on what I hope this upcoming year will be like.

First, a recap.

While I look back on 2011, I am not only inspired but awe-struck by the grace that I was given to keep my head above water and a smile on my face. There are many days that I recall being immovable, steeped in a depressed stupor of human flaw. I experienced loneliness in a way that I had never before understood. Rejection and heartbreak were shadows on my walls that I became all too familiar with. They seemed to follow me around in hopes of filling my hung head with false truths and indescribable emptiness.

I lost weight. I gained weight. I lost even more weight and then I crashed and ate everything in sight. I was deleted from facebook, and harassed via e-mail. I started wearing make-up for someone and then I stopped wearing make-up because of that same person. I was hit on, ignored and let down. I screamed, he screamed, she screamed…we all screamed. I fell in lust, and time slipped away.

All the while, my heart sat in darkness stretching its arms toward the Light that once shone brightly.

I had my good days, and I had my bad days…but mostly I just faked it.

It was one, rather late night, as I wrote my future husband an e-mail out of desperation for a friend and listener, that I finally cracked. I began weeping uncontrollably, knowing I could not continue on the way that I was going. I was a car running on “E” and there was no way I was going to avoid this inevitable break down.

“What was I doing writing a man that probably didn’t exist? My future husband? Come on. How could anyone love something as broken as me? That’s right, I am a something, not a someone!  I will settle for anything or anyone that will take me…I mean, I’m a mess! A joke. A waste of space. A headache that no one should have to be stuck with till death do them part…”

It was decided. I would be someone’s purgatory but never anyone’s heaven.

And so I wept, for myself and for my sinfulness. I was heart-sick for what the Lord had wanted me to be, not what I was.

And as Dane Cook so gracefully pointed out, I, wishing to see myself cry in the mirror, did the one thing that would accentuate the agony of the stupidity I was choking on. With a tear stained face, I googled ‘To My Future Spouse’ assuming I would find that I was the only idiot on the planet that had stooped so low as to be the unthinkable….A Christian. And even worse, a Christian praying for their future spouse.

What followed was both a miracle and all-too-soon a painful reminder of learning to keep my mouth shut.

The very first thing that I opened was a blog post that a young Christian man had written to his future wife. Heartfelt, vulnerable, honest…echoing the very fiber of His Word, I now wept for a different reason.

They existed.

All the men that had filled my head with empty promises and lies were now forgotten in the light of God’s Son who filled my spirit with hope once again. Good, faith-filled men were out there. I realized that my future husband could actually be out there praying for me…

Wow.

And in my joy, I wrote this young blogger an e-mail of thanks. I wanted him to realize what he had just done for his sister in Christ! I wanted him to realize that he had just saved me from depression by shining the light of my Divine Love on me. This blogger had granted me peace by reminding me that the Prince of Peace had a man out there that would find my brokenness insatiable. And so I wrote him. Not hoping  or looking for love or gratitude but for friendship with a foundation in His holy name.

And I never heard back from him. In fact, he posted on his blog a couple days later in response, probably not directly to my e-mail, but to many swooning women that he was not looking for a wife and that he was simply opening his heart to His Lord.

Okay, okay. I won’t lie, I was sad and a little pissed when I read the post. I thought God was sending me a friend in the middle of a dark age. I thought I had made it clear that my e-mail was a letter of thanks, not a message selling myself for romance. In fact, trying to make him fall for me was the last thing on my mind—I had been in a state unworthy of love, remember? The last thing I was doing was trying to find it! I just wanted to feel that I belonged to some group or forum, and I thought God gave this desolation to prove that I did!

But I let the post go and I didn’t think about it… Until, of course, as a woman, I couldn’t resist the urge to go back to his blog and read his words of wisdom. Regardless of whether or not he understood my heart or my intentions in e-mailing him, the Lord was using him as a mouthpiece [and I really enjoyed his writing].

That day he was directing his audience to go read something he had written on another blog. A blog specifically for women.

Nothing is accidental, everything is providential.

Here’s how I first became acquainted with the Good Women Project.

What a blessing this website became. Women sharing their thoughts, their wisdom…their crosses. I could relate to each woman’s story, and though I probably seemed a little too emphatic with my excitement and joy for having found a refuge, I couldn’t express or contain how happy I was to find a place, though pixilated, that I finally felt I would fit.

I decided that day…that I would start my own blog.

I have always had an unquenchable desire to share my thoughts and my heart through the medium of writing, but before this, I didn’t think anyone would care what I had to say or what I thought or learned through the trials and tribulations Christ had sent into my life. But, because of this forum of women, I decided it didn’t matter! I didn’t need a following: I needed a deepening of faith! I needed to draw myself closer to the Son of Man that saved my life by breathing new life into my heart after four dark months of depression. The God that filled my emptiness, that dried my tears…that loved me when I was most low. No, I would not write for anyone but myself. Soon, after discernment, I decided to make it public. This way, I would be kept in check by those close friends that knew my reasons for writing.

And that leads us to right now. Here I am, folks. Raw and uncut. I came here to find refuge for meditation, and what a success it has been.

Because of Him, I am a success story.

But what’s next? What comes in the next chapter of this broken, recovering serial-flirt, body image obsessed, love addicted, sinner’s life?

Time will tell.

Or should I say, the Master of Time will tell.

But in the spirit of the world ending, and in hopes to make my divine Husband laugh, I want to make a few public New Year resolutions for the last year of the world's existence. So, if you’ll bear with me…here goes…

  •  TRUST: It has become obvious, through my meditations and prayer, that I am being called to a deeper trust in His plan. I wish to continue giving myself over to His will, and to become more aware of where I am failing, in hopes of growing closer to reflect His goodness.
  •  LOVE: While I’m revved to find my husband, I know that my heart is still suffering with deep hurt from my childhood and past relationships. I ache from the rejection I have faced and have grown cold and sarcastic as a means to protect myself from more damage. I want, in this upcoming year, to allow the Lord to melt my hardened and imperfect heart and replace it with His own. I want to love without expecting anything in return. I want to love without fear of being tossed aside. I want to love for all the right reasons and in His name.
  •  SELF LOVE: I write many things on how I am learning to accept who I am as a human being, that I am learning [by the grace of our Savior] how to look in the mirror and recognize the beauty that is within me…but this is something that does not happen over night. It will be an ongoing journey. No man, woman or therapist can tell me that I am worthwhile. This many silent years worth of damage is something only He can mend, and it is my job to open my heart and let Him. This year I will exercise to keep healthy and not to fit a mold.  Instead of liking myself every other day of the week, I want to love myself every day of the week.
  • STRENGTH: Not everyone is going to like me. Time to wake up, smell the roses and move on! This next year will be about Matthew 10:14 and less about bending over backwards and feeling sorry for myself when people refuse to acknowledge me.
  •  SHINE: I’m a talented actress. I’m a pretty decent writer. Eventually, I want to work at Chicago Shakespeare Theatre Co., The Goodman Theatre, or even Steppenwolf. I want to start my own theatre company that creates pieces of art that are revolutionary, inspiring, and, most of all, wholesome. I want to publish a novel. I want to know what it feels like to be chased for all the right reasons. I want to make a thousand new acquaintances, and if I come out making one new, good friend…I’ll be happy. Perhaps I can't do it all next year, but it's time I said aloud what my ambitions are.

I’m going to live. I’m going to take risks. I’m going to grow.

I am often told at school that I’m too apologetic for my work. I find myself apologizing for no reason in my everyday life. If someone accidentally threw something and it hit me in the face…I’d probably apologize for being in their way.

So, this year…I’m choosing not to apologize for my existence.

Thanks for a great year, everyone. Whether anyone reads this or not…it’s irrelevant. It’s been a blessed year, and I can’t wait to take on the next one.

2 comments:

  1. Keep going. You are an amazing woman with a story, and a life that is full of experience. You cannot help others without first experiencing your own life. Peace to you.
    Valerie
    http://thefigleaf.net/

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  2. Hey girlie. I found your blog through the Good Women Project :)
    It's quite interesting. I love this blog, as I myself often think about, pray about, and write to my future husband. Anyway, just one thing, where in the Bible does it say the world is ending in 2012? Cause all I've seen is Matthew 24:36, ""No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." That includes the Mayans. Other than that, honestly, great writing! You have amazing things to say & to get us thinking about. God bless you! :)

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