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Saturday, October 22, 2011

To My Future Spouse: Two Year Anniversary.


To my most beloved and treasured husband,

Two years. Who’d have thought I’d make it this long, eh? You know me well enough to know that I often fall off the bandwagon with things like this when life gets chaotic…but here I am…still going strong. Aren’t you proud of me?

On October 21st, 2009 I found myself in desolation. My serial flirt ways had caught up to me, my male friends had dispersed and I was alone, in a new university, with artists I was scared to trust.

Scratch that. People I was scared to trust.

You’ve been in the forefront of my thoughts and prayers as of late, but you’re probably not surprised by that. You know, all too well, how often I think about you, worry for you, send love in your direction and ask my guardian angel to kiss you on the forehead as you fall asleep each night.

Sometimes I like to imagine that you send me kisses back. It’s like we’re secret lovers and the only other people that are allowed to know about our romance are our confidants, the angels. 

My 'best guy friend' had just broken the news via cellphone that he felt it wise we didn't speak anymore for fear that we were getting too close. My heart was heavy, as he had been the only thing getting me through my recent break up with the previous Mr. Nice-But-Not-The-One [not to mention, keeping me calm as I adjusted to my new surroundings]. With his disappearance, I couldn't imagine having the strength or courage to mend on my own.

I don’t read as often as I used to, but when I was a little girl my favorite quote from Jane Eyre by Mr. Rochester was…

‘Sometimes I have the strangest feeling about you. Especially when you are near me as you are now. It feels as though I had a string tied here under my left rib where my heart is, tightly knotted to you in a similar fashion.’

With each message I write to you, I hope to articulate this poetic and beautiful image. When I shut my eyes, I imagine our bodies so intimately intertwined that, even without ever having ever laid eyes on one another, I can feel you near to me in each passing moment of the day. When I pray, I know you are with me. When I laugh, I hope you are smiling where ever you may be. When I sleep, I leave room beside me for your arrival.

Who would hold my heart as it ached each night? Hadn't God sent my ‘best guy friend’ to make sure I could laugh and smile when my insides felt like they were collapsing? Was God so cruel to take my only form of comfort away from me?

I walked into my dimly lit dorm room after this late night phone call, the weight of disbelief and rejection heavy on my shoulders. My roommate asleep in her bed had left the closet light on, and when I looked straight ahead I was surprised to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

'How could someone so broken, look so whole?' I thought to myself as tears slowly trickled down my cheek.

Sometimes I think about you and realize how lucky a girl I am to have been given a gift as beautiful as you! Do you know how wonderful you are? You are a testament, a beautiful specimen that gives glory to God’s craftsmanship. You know just how to love me, romance me, hold me, kiss me, annoy me, drive me crazy and push me to be the best person that I can be—all at the same time!

 And I am so thankful for this.

What a treasure God has bestowed to me.

I feel blessed to have such a wonderful man of God desiring to take care of me. You love me when I’m stubborn, impatient and mean… How you are sweet to me when I’m being obnoxious, I’ll never know! But I am thankful, because you make me want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be.

I'm sorry that over the years I have tried to give my heart to so many who were less than worthy. I'm sorry that I can be insecure and that I worry so often. These are bad habits that I have prayed for the grace to let go of—but you know I still struggle each day. Yet you still love me… I am thankful that you know how to kiss away the worry lines on my forehead when I don’t think I’m pretty enough for you. That you know when to hug me when I’m upset, when to kiss me when I won’t stop talking and when to listen because it’s actually important.

No adoration chapel to run to, no mass so late at night and the rosary looked an impossible feat to conquer on my own in such a state-- I turned my eye away from God feeling He didn't care and instead opened my computer.

Word. File. New Blank Document.

I am so blessed to know that you see me the way God sees me. That you love me the way I deserve to be loved. That you have chased me, fought for me, wanted me, dreamt of me, prayed for me and proven time and time again, that I am worthy of love.

'Beloved...'

And the words poured from my fingertips as they had never done before. Each word coated with an honesty, a sincerity and a vulnerability I could only give to him.

You have brought me to Christ time and time again, begged me to speak to Him before I spoke to you and have made me learn how to trust His plan before trusting my own.

Two years ago, I wrote my first e-mail to my future husband. Partially out of desperation, and partially because I needed some one to share my thoughts with, I poured my soul to him. In my overly emotional state, I decided it would be, one of the many, wedding gifts I would give to my future spouse on our wedding day.

It’s been such a blessing to know that I could share myself with you before you even knew my name. It’s such a relief to know that God made you for me, that you already love me with every fiber of your being and that all it will take is a moment of realization to recognize that we were created for one another. You are mine and I am yours. Each message to you has been filled with my secrets, my worries, my thoughts, my aches and pains…and while you may not be present in my life [at least to my knowledge], you have given me the strength and courage to continue to be my authentic self.

Little did I know that starting a fake e-mail account and sending random messages to a man I didn’t even know…would be the greatest gift I could ever give to myself.

Thank you for being the best friend and prince charming that I've always daydreamed of. Thank you for being broken and human. Thank you for wanting to grow with me, to become a better man for me and for our Lord. Thank you for accepting me and my brokenness. For not expecting me to be perfect and for keeping me humble in that sweet, but not hurtful, way that you know just how to do.

I love that we strive to be saints with one another, that we pray together and laugh together and make fun of movies and dance in the kitchen with one another and have inside jokes and star gaze with one another…

Forty e-mails later.

My husband, without having known it, became my best friend and the greatest listener I have never yet met. He has been there every moment I needed to vent, laugh, joke, complain, share…he loved me through two years of silly messages that meant nothing and everything to me.

I love us.

This is the greatest love affair God has ever given to me and I’m absolutely thrilled to see what will happen next in this ridiculous romantic comedy.

We’re silly and ridiculous, but…we wouldn’t have us any other way, would we? By the time you see this, these messages will simply be reinforcement…because you’ll have already heard all of this time and time again. But on our two year anniversary, I just wanted to remind you—

I love you!

Keep looking for Him, and I promise that you’ll find me, darling.

I’m forever walking toward you, in hopes that you’re walking toward me. I can’t wait to finally meet you and end this game of hide and go seek—which, by the way, you’re great at.

Be good, make good choices and know that you are forever and always in my prayers.

Your future wife, best friend, prayer warrior and partner in crime,

Katey

PS: Pam and Jim got nothin’ on us.

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