Subscribe:

Pages

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Scarlett I: Indecisiveness


‘You’re indecisive because you’re terrified to make a mistake! You want to be perfect, but it’s impossible—I hate to break it to you, but you WILL make mistakes, Katey!’

I stood, slightly in shock. My annoyance had grown ten fold and all I wanted to do was storm away, rage pumping through my veins. How dare he! What right did he have to make an absolute fool of me? I never asked for his opinion!

I was a senior in high school. I was blissfully about to kiss high school goodbye and begin my new life in Seattle, WA as a cool kid Acting student….but instead of partying up senior year, I was being reprimanded by a boy that I had barely been on a single date with.

And yet, for once in my life, I found myself… speechless. I wanted to cry and scream at him. I wanted to punch a wall, and then walk away. But I was frozen, and all I could do was look him in the eye as he told me how I hid behind my ‘perfect’ demeanor.

I kept thinking to myself, ‘YOU’RE WRONG, JERK! You don’t know me! I make decisions all the time!’

But let’s be honest, that’s a total lie.

When I look back on high school, I realize how hard I worked to make myself look like I had it all together. All the bullying as a child [and even some in high school] made me terrified to just be myself. I was almost positive that, regardless of how much I liked my personality, people would reject me. I thought I needed to build an aura that exuded ‘perfection’. So, I let my type A personality take a hold of me and became obsessed with seeming…whole. I was a straight A student. I got leads in most of the shows. I was acquaintances with everyone, but friends with very few. I knew everyone’s name, and I never broke from my happily joyous attitude, for fear I would be ridiculed. When it came down to it, I was a walking politician—and I was damn good at it.

So, at this point you’re asking why this young man lashed out at me, right?

Well…because I couldn’t decide whether or not I liked him.

What a horrible kid, right? What a terrible girl for jerking a poor boy back and forth because of her not knowing what she wanted. He was my friend though, and I didn’t want to screw things up right before I went to college. He wasn’t a man of faith, he was a man of science and politics and I knew in the long run it’d never work—but aren’t we suppose to date to see what qualities we want in the future? I mean, he was cute and nice and was definitely going somewhere in life…but he was so anti-religion!

I was confused, to say the least.

It seems that when life gets tough, my brokenness rears its ugly head and instead of praying, I spend my time blaming God for not taking care of me and making the decisions for me. I sit and stare at the pieces of my life, which I have so methodically placed on the floor in front of me and allow myself to melt into the exhaustion of all the decisions that weigh on my shoulders. All the things that I worry about for my family, my friends and myself suddenly come to the forefront of my mind. I worry so much, it gives me anxiety and then the anxiety gives way to more worrying…

And soon I find myself frozen and incapable of making any kind of logical decisions.

This is embarrassing, humbling and difficult to say…but I am terrified to make a wrong move. I’m scared that I’ll miss an opportunity if I make the wrong choice, I’m scared that I’ll screw up the plan that He so perfectly created. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by this world, I don’t know how to trust in Him. I can’t count the number of times that I have questioned His will and plan for my life. Before I go to bed I can't help but replay every move I made during the day in my mind, and think ‘Was that right?’

Why, yes. I am imperfect.

It’s amazing to look back on that night. I feel my cheeks flush as I picture his face so assuredly telling me something I had made myself blind to. Here, a man that had so little trust in the existence of God was telling me, a woman of such ‘strong faith’ and ‘devotion to our Lord’, how to take risks. And live.

I woke up recently with the full awareness of how beautiful my faith is. How, I have nothing to worry about because I have a creator who is constantly rooting for me. I’m finally at a point in my life when I can say thank you to that young man. Because whether or not he remembers that night, I do. And because he was able to have the strength and courage to say that to my face…I finally have the courage to say:

SCREW IT!

There are no wrong turns, my friends! You cannot make a mistake in the eyes of the Lord! If you are living, experiencing and being authentically and intrinsically good…working your hardest to make it to heaven, you’ve already chosen the closest thing to ‘right’.

In fact, let’s take ‘right’ out of our conversation. The only ‘right’ thing in this world is God. The rest of it is, in fact, superfluous. When we make a decision, if we are devoting our selves and lives to the light of Christ, then He will always open a window or a door or break a wall down for us to get to the situation that He thinks we deserve more. He wants us to have the best possible! He wants to give us our hopes and dreams and all that we wish for so deep in our souls. But even more than that, He wants to give us what He knows will truly make us happy.

Because He loves us.

And it is with this sentiment that I have finally been able to embrace the ideal of taking risks. I try new foods, I date people so incredibly opposite my personality and belief system, become friends with tax collectors and prostitutes, devote my life to a craft that often times is not as wholesome as I had always wished it to be—and because I have risked and lived to my fullest capacity, I have been given the gift of being able to wholly glorify the Lord’s name.

Because He took a risk and gave me the best example of risk-taking I can find to date. He chose to die for us, just so that we might live with Him forever, even knowing that many of us would choose to deny Him.

Thank God for that night. Thank God for slapping me across the face and into reality.

Listen kids, I don’t have time to be afraid! And neither do you! We have one life to prove to God that we lived and worked towards praising His name, and, I don’t know about you, but I would much rather take risks and ask for forgiveness than stand in front of Him on judgment day attempting to make a case for why I stood frozen in fear for an entire lifetime.

So. My request for you today is simple.

Be bold, my friends. Don’t be afraid. And when you’re over-analyzing a situation or a choice you have to make—be at peace knowing that, no matter what decision you make, God is on your side. Making these decisions has yet to ruin or end my life. In fact, they’ve only helped me grow.  If you let Him into your heart and life, He’ll always be there to, as our GPS systems say so very often, ‘recalculate’ until you make it into His arms.

1 comment:

  1. You did it again- great post! And as always- applicable to all ages! Love you girl!

    ReplyDelete